Are You a People Pleaser? The power of "No"

Your phone buzzes. It's another invitation, another request, another demand on your already overflowing schedule. Do you automatically say "yes," even though your inner voice is screaming "No"?

Let's be honest, in the hustle of city life, it's easy to get caught in the trap of people-pleasing, saying "yes" before you even have a chance to think. Overstuffed social calendars collide with after-work drinks with colleagues, leaving your inbox overflowing with "yeses" before you can even blink.

But here's the secret: behind that sinking feeling when you know you need to decline, there's a crucial skill waiting to be unlocked – the art of saying no.

The Power of Boundaries in a Crowded World

Imagine the city as a vibrant marketplace. You, the mindful shopper, navigate bustling stalls brimming with invitations and commitments. But unlike a marketplace, you can't simply walk away with an empty basket. The constant pressure to say "yes" can leave you feeling drained, burnt out, and ultimately resentful.

Here's the truth: setting boundaries, the art of saying "no," isn't selfish, it's essential. It's a powerful act of self-care that allows you to curate a life aligned with your values and energy levels.

But how do you start?

The first step is understanding where you're currently at...

Exercise 1. Inventory Your "Yeses"

Take a moment to reflect. Think about your current social calendar, work commitments, and even informal requests from friends and family. Write down a few recent instances where you said "yes" even though you didn't truly feel like it.

What were the situations?
How did you feel saying "yes" initially?
How did you feel afterwards?

Situation	Initial Feeling Saying "Yes"	Feeling Afterwards	Driven by Genuine Desire or Fear?
1. Your colleague asks you to cover their weekend shift because they have a "last-minute family emergency" (again).	Anxious, obligated, slightly resentful.	Exhausted, stressed, feeling taken advantage of.	Fear of being seen as uncooperative, fear of them not reciprocating in the future.
2. A friend invites you to a concert on a weeknight, even though you're already behind on sleep and have a big presentation the next day.	Excited at the invite, but also dreading the late night and the impact on work.	Tired, stressed, regretting the late night, worried about the presentation.	Fear of missing out (FOMO), desire to be social.
3. You agree to help a neighbor move furniture, even though you have a deadline for a personal project you're passionate about.	Guilty if I say no, but also annoyed that my own plans will be pushed back.	Resentful, rushed, feeling like I'm always putting others first.	Obligation, fear of being seen as unfriendly.
4. Your family asks you to host a large holiday gathering at your small apartment, even though you'd prefer to go to someone else's place.	Overwhelmed at the thought of the planning and cleaning, but also wanting to please family.	Stressed, exhausted, feeling like I have no time for myself.	Family obligation, fear of disappointing them.
5. A networking contact invites you for coffee to "pick your brain" about your expertise, even though you're already short on time and haven't had a proper break in days.	Flattered they asked, but also frustrated that it's another demand on my time.	Drained, resentful, feeling like my expertise is being taken for granted.	Desire to be helpful, fear of seeming unapproachable or unhelpful professionally.

Did your "yes" come from a genuine desire to connect or participate, or was it driven by a fear of missing out, pleasing others, or breaking promises (even unspoken ones)?

Challenge Your Assumptions

We often hold onto beliefs that fuel the pressure to say yes. Do any of these resonate with you?

"Being liked" means always being available.
Saying "No" will disappoint others.
A full schedule equals a successful life.
I have to do everything asked of me.
Saying "no" makes me selfish.

These are just assumptions, and they can be challenged. They're often rooted in fear – fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, fear of missing out. Recognizing these fears is the first step to overcoming them.

Focus on Your Core Values

True fulfillment comes from aligning your actions with your core values. What matters most to you in life? Is it spending quality time with family? Pursuing creative outlets? Prioritizing your mental and physical health? Is it quiet time for reflection? Is it contributing to your community?

Exercise 2. "Yes" for What Matters

Think about the things that bring you genuine joy and peace. Now, rewrite the instances from Exercise 1, replacing your "yeses" with activities that truly align with your values.

How would you spend your time if you said "No" more freely?🌻
How would a schedule filled with valued activities make you feel?🌟

Saying No with Mindfulness

The art of saying no isn't about harsh pronouncements. It's about clear, gentle communication. Here are some mindful approaches:

Be honest: Express your appreciation for the invitation, but explain that you don't currently have the time or energy. This shows you value their thoughtfulness while being upfront about your situation. For example: "Thank you so much for thinking of me. I'd love to, but I'm completely swamped with work deadlines this week."
Offer alternatives: Can you reschedule for a later date, or suggest a shorter, less strenuous activity? This demonstrates flexibility and willingness to connect, even if not at the exact time or in the exact way proposed. For example, "I can't make it to the whole event, but I'd love to join you for the first hour"
Set boundaries: "I'd love to come, but I need to leave early." This establishes clear expectations and avoids potential resentment later. Or, "I can help with that, but I'm only available for an hour on Tuesday."
Buy yourself time: When faced with a request, don't feel pressured to answer immediately. Say, "That sounds interesting, let me check my calendar and get back to you." This gives you space to breathe and consider your response.
Practice saying "No" to small things: Start with less important requests to build your confidence. The more you practice, the easier it will become to say "no" to bigger things.

...Is there a chance the person might be disappointed? Sure!

But here's the key: their disappointment is a reflection of their expectations, not your worth. You can't control how others react, but you can control your own boundaries and priorities. By taking care of yourself first, you'll be in a better position to contribute to your work, your relationships, and your overall well-being in the long run.

Mindful Practice: Breathwork for the "No" Whisper

When faced with an overwhelming request, take a moment for mindful breathwork. Close your eyes, inhale deeply for a count of four, hold for four seconds, and exhale slowly for eight seconds. Feel your body relax. As you exhale, let go of the pressure to say "yes" immediately. This brief pause allows for a more mindful response.

Cultivating a Life of "Yes" to What Matters

The more comfortable you become with saying "No," the more space you create for the things that truly matter. You'll have the energy to nurture relationships with loved ones, pursue passions, and recharge your soul. Remember, a life well-lived isn't about saying "yes" to everything; it's about saying "yes" to what brings you peace, joy, and fulfillment.

Remember: no one starts out as a no-saying Pro.

It's a skill that, like any other, takes practice and refinement. Be patient with yourself, and celebrate your small victories. As you learn to say "No" with mindfulness, you'll discover a newfound sense of control, and ultimately, a life that nourishes your soul.

It's okay to say "No."

Ready?❤️

City Life Got You on Autopilot? Reclaim Control!

Subscribe to our Blog for stress management Tips & Live with Purpose!

Unwind with Free Cottagecore Goodies here:

https://www.cottage-corner.com/freebies

Cottage Corner